When we think about trauma, we often think about one significant event, an accident, an assault, a bereavement or something frightening that happened to us.
But sometimes what continues to affect us is not one event. It can be the accumulation of experiences within our early relationships.
Perhaps you grew up feeling that your emotions were too much for other people. Maybe you had to become independent very early, learned not to ask for help, or never quite knew whether the people you depended on would be emotionally available.
These experiences can shape the way we see ourselves, other people and relationships.
They can become what we might describe as attachment wounds.
What are attachment wounds?
Attachment wounds can develop when our early experiences of connection and care don’t provide the emotional safety and consistency we needed.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that a parent or caregiver was intentionally harmful. There may have been love alongside emotional unavailability, inconsistency, criticism, conflict, loss, neglect or experiences that left you feeling alone with difficult emotions.
As children, we are entirely reliant on our parents/caregivers to keep us alive. We don’t have the ability to step back and think, “This is about their limitations; it isn’t about my worth.” This leaves us extremely vulnerable and forced to prioritise attachment over authenticity.
Instead, we can internalise what happens.
We might come to believe:
- I’m on my own.
- My needs are a burden.
- I have to be good to be loved.
- I can’t rely on other people.
- If I let people get close, I’ll get hurt.
- Something must be wrong with me.
These beliefs can continue into adulthood, even when we consciously know that our circumstances have changed.
How can attachment wounds show up in adult life?
Sometimes attachment wounds become most noticeable in relationships.
You might find yourself becoming anxious when someone doesn’t respond to a message, fearing rejection or abandonment, or needing reassurance that someone still cares.
Or perhaps you go in the opposite direction. You may find closeness uncomfortable, struggle to trust people, or instinctively pull away when someone gets too close.
You might find yourself repeatedly choosing relationships where your needs aren’t met, or becoming highly attuned to other people’s moods and reactions.
Some people become very good at caring for everyone else while finding it difficult to recognise or express their own needs.
You may also notice a strong inner critic, difficulty setting boundaries, people-pleasing, shame or a persistent feeling that you aren’t quite enough.
None of these responses mean that there is something wrong with you.
Often, they developed for a reason.
Where does EMDR come in?
EMDR can be used to work with the experiences that contributed to these patterns.
Rather than simply trying to change the way you behave in relationships, we can explore what sits underneath those responses.
For example, if you become very anxious when someone is distant, there may be earlier experiences that taught your nervous system that distance means rejection or abandonment.
If you automatically shut down when someone becomes emotionally close, there may be experiences that taught you that closeness wasn’t always safe.
EMDR can help us work with memories, emotions, beliefs and body sensations connected to these experiences.
The aim isn’t to change your history.
It is to help your brain process what happened so that the past doesn’t have to continue influencing the present in quite the same way.
What might we work on?
With attachment-related difficulties, there may not be one obvious memory to work on.
Instead, we might explore a number of experiences or patterns.
For example:
“I remember being upset and nobody coming.”
“I learned that I had to deal with things myself.”
“I was praised when I was doing well but didn’t feel noticed when I was struggling.”
“I never knew which version of my parent I was going to get.”
“I felt responsible for keeping everyone else happy.”
These experiences can leave emotional beliefs behind.
EMDR can be used to work with the experiences that created or reinforced these beliefs, as well as experiences in adulthood that may have activated them again.
EMDR isn’t about blaming your parents
Working with attachment wounds isn’t about deciding who was to blame.
Parents and caregivers are people with their own histories, limitations and difficulties.
You can understand why someone behaved the way they did while also recognising the impact their behaviour had on you.
Both things can be true.
Therapy gives you the opportunity to develop a different relationship with your own experiences, one that has more understanding, compassion and choice.
What happens when the past begins to feel more like the past?
When attachment-related experiences have been processed, you may begin to notice that situations which once felt overwhelming don’t have quite the same intensity.
You may still dislike conflict, uncertainty or distance in relationships, but you may find that you have more space between what happens and how you respond.
You might become better able to recognise:
“This feeling is familiar, but this situation is different.”
You may find it easier to communicate your needs, set boundaries, tolerate closeness or step away from relationships that aren’t healthy for you.
The goal isn’t to become completely unaffected by other people.
It’s about developing greater freedom in how you respond.
You can have a different experience of relationships
Attachment patterns are learned through relationships, but they don’t have to define you forever.
Sometimes the first step is simply beginning to understand why you respond in the ways you do.
EMDR can be one way of gently exploring and processing the experiences that have shaped you, while developing a greater sense of safety in the present.
You don’t need to have a clear memory of everything that happened in childhood, and you don’t need to arrive at therapy knowing exactly what needs to be worked on.
We can begin with what you’re experiencing now and work together from there.
If you would like to explore whether EMDR could be helpful for you, you can get in touch to arrange an initial conversation.